When my WiT-iT goes to S**T-iT

When my WiT-iT goes to S**T-iT,
here I SiT-iT like a TwiT-iT,
in a FiT-iT can’t RemiT-iT,
want to SpiT-iT, maybe QuiT-iT?

Should I FliT-iT or EmiT-iT,
or just GriT-iT not ObiT-iT?
Or CommiT-iT as UnfiT-iT,
or OutfiT-iT as I KniT-iT?

If I SpliT-iT just to PiT-iT,
so can KiT-iT in my MitT-iT,
Can’t OmiT-iT that I WriT-iT,
must AdmiT-iT, I don’t GiT-iT?

“Tech Smart”

I’m “Tech Smart” as any Gent,
whose Prime Time has Come and Went.
I’ll challenge any Three-Year-Old,
with the Knowledge that I Hold.

When I think of “Gigabytes”,
eating Burgers in Two Bites.
My phone’s got just “Thirty-Two,”
still a Lot of Food to Chew.

A “Browser”, “Scanning”, “Windows” screens,
a Peeping Tom to me it Means.
When I hear ‘Bout some “Hard Drive,”
Rush Hour traffic and Survive.

A “Monitor” when Was a Kid,
someone Watching what I Did.
A “Mouse” was Something that cats Chased,
a “Bit” were Items in drills Placed.

A “Boot” ‘twas Swift Kick in the Butt,
A “Click” noise Made when Doors were Shut.
A “Drag” were Parties without Chicks,
A “Menu” something with Chopsticks.

As the “Folders” in my Brain,
“Network” until I Obtain,
more “RAM” to where I’m feeling Bold,
and Challenge up a Four-Year-Old?

Three for Small and Three for Big

Know what I could really Dig,
Three for Small and Three for Big.
Wishes given To us All,
Your choice Big – Your choice Small.

Magic Lamps – no Recognition,
kept to “Three” as a Tradition.
Anytime that You see Fit,
throughout Life you just Submit.

Wishes solely to Dispute,
what Some call our Birthday Suit.
Change up your Anatomy,
to a Buff Topography.

No more Creams or Popping Pills,
Enhancement Diets – Torture Mills.
What you Change – your Own Mutation,
left To your Imagination.

My Bachelor Party (the night before) to My Wedding Day (50+ years ago)

M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E

“M” is For the “Many” beers I poured into Me.
“A” is For the “Altar” I Could barely See.
“R” is For the “Real” fear what’s Churnin’ down Below.
“R” is For the “Ribs” and Smirks hoping I might Blow
“I” is For the “Impact” as she Came my Way.
“A” is For the “Appealing” smile She Gives me To this Day.
“G” is For the “Glee” that I was picked Instead.
“E” is For the “Everyday” we’ve Spent since We were Wed.

Scuttle the Bombing Run

I like to Keep my Ride shined Up,
been that Way since was a Pup.
Wash and Wax and View with Pride,
probably Shows my Anal Side?

Just this Morning – Looking Great,
never Knowing ‘bout My Fate.
From above was Splattered Thrice,
Hood and then the Windshield Twice.

Attack was Swift – a Bird Sortie,
Bullseye Hit and That was Me!
Cruising safe at Sixty-Five,
Spread around Like it’s Alive.

Figure Birds have Morning Meetings,
Plan their Route for Bombing Greetings.
Guess I’ll just Go Undercover,
strap on Wings – their Plans Discover.

Perhaps become a Morning Cook,
and Slip stuff In when They don’t Look.
Pepto-Bismol comes to Mind,
say Pink Eggs and Bacon Rind.

As they Fly to Drop their Load,
they’ll be Stuck in Panic Mode.
That will Put them In their Places,
on the Ground with Straining Faces.

Immature

Immature Rhymes with Manure,
at Least in my Mind that’s for Sure.
Temper Tantrums – Stomping Feet,
Young or Old or In-beTweet.

Just Ignore and Walk Away,
or Cave In and Get their Way?
The Simple Answer to this Crap,
a Blanket, Bottle, and a Nap!

Double Chin

Double Chin – don’t Chagrin,
see the Company that you’re In.
Alex Baldwin – Michael Moore,
Donald Trump adds To the Score.

Mine is Growing Sun to Moon,
Expanding like some Big Balloon.

Suck it Up – Don’t get the Knife,
seems It’s part of Living Life.
So just Take it On the Chin,
you Have a Spare – so It’s a Win!

Equal Rights

Donuts are my Big Downfall,
Filled or Not – Large or Small.
Polish off in Nothing Flat,
proudly Wear my “Donut Fat.”

“Long Johns” are My favorite Choice,
though Today I heard a Voice,
as I Stared through Baker Panes,
wondered Why there’s no “Long Janes?”

So right Now let’s Start a Wave,
stand with Me – Strong and Brave.
Take this Message ‘cross the Land,
promote “Long Janes” Hand in Hand.

Rewards come as Bakers Pause,
to Get behind Us and our Cause,
“Pros” will Flourish with No “Cons,”
with “Long Janes” equal to “Long Johns.”

Commercials

Whiter Teeth to Proud Extender,
Lighter Beer to Younger Render.
Love Them, Hate Them, In-between,
now a Part of Life’s Cuisine.

How long Have they been Around?
Surely long as Sight and Sound.
‘Bout time for a Whistle Blower,
started With an Apple Grower.

Had an Orchard just called Eden,
not sure Where – perhaps near Sweden?
Round Red Apples on the Trees,
need to Sell them ‘for they Freeze.

Advertise to bring in Biz,
heard About this Serpent Whiz,
could sell Snow to Eskimos,
Let’s bring in Some real Pros.

The Serpent said for Sales Upheaval,
let’s Promote that Good and Evil,
the First Commercial to Deceive,
seen by Adam and by Eve.

At that point Commercials Grew,
Fancy Cars to Mountain Dew.
Even though those Two Departed,
now Know how Commercials Started.

“Hemorrhoids”

Hemorrhoids – Don’t be Annoyed,

You strained Hard – should be Enjoyed. 

Embarrassment – no Need to Hide,

You built from Scratch – Wear with Pride. 

 

Constipation – Nasty Word,

Easy Peasy is Preferred.

Slide things Out without a Hitch,

But sometimes Can be a Glitch.

 

Don’t despair You’re not Alone,

as You suffer On your Thrown. 

Join as “Hemmee’s – what I Dub,

The “Hasty Wastee Hemorrhoids Club.”